Wasted Time

broken heart love sad
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For the past 10 days I have pondered how I would write this entry; I have decided that I am just going to say it. On Friday September 20, 2019, I am flying back to the Keystone State permanently. While I will be glad to return to my home state of Pennsylvania, I am deeply grieved to leave my mom here in Florida.

For the past three months I have stolen and wasted precious quality time with my mom. Instead of enjoying the time we had together, I have been sad, angry and bitter. I have been mean and inconsolable. I stole and wasted time by giving into negative emotions rather than being thankful. I have hurt my mom beyond measure and that is a pain I pray lessens with time.

If there is one thing in life that I hate it is to hurt and disappoint people, especially my mom. I can be a really angry and nasty person (seriously folks, I can be a raging lunatic at times) and when I come to my senses and see how much I hurt my mom, it breaks my heart. If I were ever asked to cry on command, all I would have to do is think of my mom’s face when I hurt her and that would humble me.

I keep telling myself we never know how much time we will have with our loved ones in this life. I am praying that the Lord will redeem the time that I have left with my mom. I am praying that He will heal our hearts. I am sad that my mom is sad that Nathan and I are leaving. I know that she will be fine. She has an excellent group of friends who love her and she loves them. Praise God, my mom is in good health. I assure y’all if something were to change, I would be on the first plane out of Harrisburg, PA to get to my mom.

I have no idea who or if anyone will read this blog post, but if you are reading, tell the people you care about that you love them. Enjoy the time that you have with your loved ones. Be present and be patient. I fail all of these daily. Thankfully, each day is a new opportunity to do better than the day before.

Mom, if you are reading this, I LOVE YOU! I am beyond sorry for the time I wasted with you. I am sorry for the hurt that I have caused you and the emotions that I stole from you. I am sorry this experience did not go the way we envisioned and planned. I am so sorry for all the times that I made you feel like you were not enough. Mom, we are as close as we are because we are a relationship tried by fire. I look forward to the day when we can look back on this and say together, that God was with us, even here. Again, Mom, I love you and I am sorry.

Father God, thank You for this reader. Lord, may this reader not delay in spending quality time with those they love. May we not lose sight of what matters. Thank You Father for new mercies and new opportunities. Help us to make wise use of the time that You have given to us. In Jesus’s Name I pray, Amen.

Published by

Blue Collar Theologian

My name is Mandy Sweigart-Quinn, I live in Lancaster, PA and I am a “Blue Collar Theologian.” I love Jesus! I am passionate about His Word (The Holy Bible)! I come alive when I can encourage others in their walk with Jesus (whether by writing or speaking). As a “Blue Collar Theologian” it is my aim to live/practice/work out my Christian hope with sincerity, authenticity and genuineness. As a “Blue Collar Theologian,” I strive to meet people right where they are (“Incarnational Theology”). I graduated in May 2019 from Capital Seminary and Graduate School with a Master's in Biblical Studies. In the Fall I will begin working on my PhD in Biblical Studies from the same Seminary. I am a passionate, excited and enthusiastic person! I love flowers, sports and sunsets. Since January 2, 2018 I have had the privilege of being married to Nathan.

34 thoughts on “Wasted Time”

  1. Thank you for sharing so openly. You are so right about quality time with those we love is vital. How easily we forget and slip into anger or other bad attitudes. I know I am prone to this, too, so you are definitely not alone! Sending prayers for you and your mom. May the Lord open the door for healing. We serve a very able God.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. You’re welcome! Yes, we had our first meeting last night. We’re starting with Gideon. Our hope is to concentrate on discipleship and service projects this year. We are a small group but most have been coming for several years now and are eager to get in deeper. Very excited to see where God will take us! Thanks for asking! ☺

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Mandy, sorry to hear that you, your husband and your Mom had to go through what you went through. I think most of us have been there at one time or another. One of the good qualities about most Moms is that they have a strong habit of forgiving, especially when it involves their own children. The reason for that is simple, when you truly love someone that is what you do, because the alternative is unacceptable. Your Mom knows you love her. I’ve always found it insightful that even though we can truly love someone we are also capable of hurting those we love, sometimes intentional and sometimes unintentional. That’s because we’re all imperfect, even when it involves love. But it doesn’t end there because God’s love doesn’t work that way. He tells us that if we confess our sin He is faithful and righteous to forgive us and we move on. It happens every day, in our dealings with God and with others. Hard lessons to learn but we are supposed to learn, that is what God wants us to do, learn of Him and emulate His light. Trust His Word, He forgives you, forgive yourself and move on. Your Mom forgives you too. I thank God that His love is different from mine. Grace and blessings to you and yours.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Bruce! Thank you for these wise and kind words! Amen to confessing our sin and God being faithful to forgive. I am thankful for my mom’s love, grace and forgiveness. When I think about sacrifice, I think of my mom. She loves her children beyond words and measure and I know I have not always received her love, care and support nor have I extended that same love, care and support to her at times. My mom is a strong woman. She says she is not angry with God about this, that is my biggest fear. I do not want to be a stumbling block to her. I don’t want her to be angry with God for allowing me to leave FL. Bruce, I have struggled beyond measure with the 5th commandment to honor mother and father. I love my mom, I really do. I want to honor her. I can see Nathan and I being snowbirds, but not at this moment. Forgiving myself is the hardest, thank you for emphasizing this! You are an amazing man of God and I am seriously thankful for you and yours! Respectfully, Mandy

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you Mandy for sharing this, I pray though for your confidence in the Lord’s healing and forgiveness. God often uses those close to us to expose our spiritual deficits so we may cry out and strive for maturity in our walk.
    Thank God that our mothers’ (or anyone’s!) salvation does not depend on our level of godliness. What the devil intends for harm, God can turn for eternal good.
    Trust God with your mom’s salvation. In eternity, none of these hurtful encounters will matter or be remembered.
    Praying for your mom….and mine. 🌷

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I’m so sorry for what you went through and for your mom’s hurt too. Family is really challenging and parent relationships can be the most difficult at times. You are not alone in these feelings and frustrations and anger. I don’t think it was wasted time. God really can use anything and bring good out of it. I believe He is already at work on your mom’s heart and it’s obvious from what you shared, on your heart too. Praying for good things out of all of this for you both! Hugs to you Mandy. 😊

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Hi Jim! You are right, it wasn’t an easy post. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn’t always feel good. Like the Apostle Paul, I do NOT want to disqualify myself. The Lord knows my heart, He knows my mom and what transpired. I do NOT ever want people to think that the Blue Collar Theologian has it all together, I most certainly do not! Sometimes, Jim, I feel like a missionary to Academia, that we forget the Gospel is for us as well and that we are sinners saved by grace and that we need to be at the forefront of transparency, honesty and vulnerability. Of course wisdom and discernment is needed for what to share and when, but sweeping sin under the rug or just brushing it off, certainly does not and will not honor and glorify God. Jim, I have been humbled more than words can say. I love my mom. I’m sitting at the airport writing this response to you. I am thankful that I already know when I will see my mom next (3 weeks) and I am just thankful that she loves me, even when I am at my worst. I pray that someday, I will be half as good as my mom. Thank you, Jim again for your prayers, support, concern and belief in me. I am praying and praising God for you! Blessings, Mandy

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Mandy, the replies I get often don’t show up on my email side. But rest assured, they show up on my page under comments. Ya know, I am guilty of some of what you are experiencing. My main issue tends to be not spending enough time with my family members, including my mom. I should’ve learned from prior mistakes, but still guilty. I’m sure this chapter, although painful, is not over. Watch for opportunities to turn a page. We know the Prince Of Peace will be waiting there. Looking forward to your next release.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Time with my mom is challenging since she suffers from dementia. She still knows who I am, but I often leave frustrated from circular conversations and repeating things we talked about moments earlier. Your post encourages me to make the best of the time I have with her. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing this! I have spent most of my working career in Skilled Nursing. I truly hope and pray that those who work with the memory impaired will have an even more special place in heaven. It’s not easy, I will pray for you with your mom, she didn’t choose this. No one would. It’s insidious and breaks my heart. you Grace, peace and blessings, Mandy

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks for the prayers, Mandy. I so appreciate the staff who work with memory impaired every day. Indeed it is very challenging work and they deserve a special place in heaven! Thank you for the work you do caring for people. I’m sure you see people on their worst days May God bless you abundantly.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Beautiful post, Mandy!! What great self reflection and wisdom shared about making the most of our time with loved ones and being careful of our attitude during the rough seasons. We are so excited for you to come back to PA but know it will be tough leaving your mom. We love you and are excited for this next phase in your and Nathan’s journey!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Response to your comment: I’m doing well! Just came back from a three day family vacation. I needed it, haven’t had a vacation since last year. I’m glad to hear you are clinging to Jesus especially with everything going on sister

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am SO glad to hear you had time with your family!! That is so vital! Too many people in ministry neglect their families thinking they are the Kingdom. So glad you have your priorities right! Life is tension, balance is a myth, so thankful for you, Jim! Blessings, Mandy

      Liked by 1 person

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