Vagabond

railroad tracks in city
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Since getting married two years ago, I have been in a constant state of wandering. Nathan and I thought that God was moving us to Florida, listed the house for sale and off we went (the house sold the end of July 2019). Since moving back to PA (September 2019) we have been renting a place (which is nice do not get me wrong); however, it is not home. We have visited countless houses that are for sale. Multiple times a day I check the web to see if there are new listings in the area. I have also spoken with a contractor about building. So far, nothing has panned out.

I have to be honest, I really loved my house that I sold. I knew when Nathan and I got married that I would have to sell my house because, well, it was “my” house. I was critical of everything he did. I prided myself on having a clean and empty garage, that changed quickly! What I hold onto the most from my former house is the view. I was able to watch the sunrise every morning and there was a stream behind my house with weeping willow trees. I absolutely love willow trees. Try as I might to accept that this is a different time in life and that I needed to let go of that house and view, the loss still creeps in from time to time.

What makes this even more acute is that yesterday (January 14, 2020) I put an offer on a house, only to be told that another buyer offered more money. I refused to get in a bidding war and so my offer was not accepted. While to most people that may be a disappointment; however, I feel anger and discontentment rising in my being. Instead of lying or hiding this anger and discontentment, I will heed Tony Evan’s counsel, “tell the truth, shame the devil!”

I realize this post may sound really, really trivial. I know that God is growing and stretching my character. I have an ever greater appreciation for the Israelites 40 years of wandering. I am growing in my sensitivity that my desire and longing for home, will only be satisfied in Christ. I am so thankful that for those of us who know Christ we are never homeless (John 14:1-3). Peace is not a physical location, it is not a life free from conflict and struggle, peace is a Person and His Name is Jesus. I need that to be enough!

Father God, for anyone who is struggling and longing for home, may they come home to You. Thank You Father that You do not leave us on our own. Lord God, thank You that You give us community so that we do not have to do life alone, even if we feel alone. Lord God, draw us closer to Yourself. May we submit our longings, desires and weaknesses to You. Thank You Lord for this reader. Thank You for their care and encouragment. Lord God, fill us with the peace that passes all understanding. In Jesus’s Name I pray. Amen.

 

 

Published by

Blue Collar Theologian

My name is Mandy Sweigart-Quinn, I live in Lancaster, PA and I am a “Blue Collar Theologian.” I love Jesus! I am passionate about His Word (The Holy Bible)! I come alive when I can encourage others in their walk with Jesus (whether by writing or speaking). As a “Blue Collar Theologian” it is my aim to live/practice/work out my Christian hope with sincerity, authenticity and genuineness. As a “Blue Collar Theologian,” I strive to meet people right where they are (“Incarnational Theology”). I graduated in May 2019 from Capital Seminary and Graduate School with a Master's in Biblical Studies. I am a passionate, excited and enthusiastic person! I love flowers, sports and sunsets. Since January 2, 2018 I have had the privilege of being married to Nathan.

26 thoughts on “Vagabond”

  1. Oh, Mandy. I feel for you. Loss has been the screenwriter for my life it seems. There’s been a waterfall of loss, especially in the last 25 years or so. The loss of a dream house is one of them. Like you, I hang on to the memory of the losses, as well as the pain generated. You are right. It boils down to focus. Although depression drags me back way too often, there are also great blessings placed at my feet since these major dam breaks. Trust me, I don’t always claim victory over the rewind button, but when I do, I see the Lord’s graciousness far more clearly. You may battle with this issue for a long time, and it can be habitual, but you know He has already overcome. Hugs to you and God’s grip – Alan

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  2. Great post, thank you for opening your journey with the Lord. None of this is “trivial”!
    You know the Lord targets our weaknesses and armor chinks, detaching us from worldly things even sentimental, to prepare us for honorable service.
    Press on dear sister, only the Lord knows how He stirs things up for the good and make us more like Him! 🌺

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I agree with Lisa Beth. There is noting too trivial for God. He created everything. I had a house that we were fixing up after sitting for 4 years, and prayed that when the water turned back on all the pipes would be fine. I was stressing out so badly over this. But God reminded me He can do more that our imaginations can even come up with. So I was jumping up and down excited when the pipes were fine! Nothing is impossible or trivial for God. He longs to help us with even the minute details of our lives. So thank you Lisa Beth and thank you Mandy for sharing this with us!

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  3. Ah, I appreciate this, Mandy! In choosing the vulnerability of sharing, we find strength. I am reminded of my days of single motherhood scrunched in a small apartment with icky stained carpet, longing for space and a Godly man to share it with. I spent some of those years praying, but, a fair amount also grumbling in discontent, to be truthful! I forgot too often He was there in our midst, making even a dinky apartment home.😏The Lord graciously responded nonetheless, sending me both a wonderful man and, shortly thereafter, a big old country house. With both new marriage and old house, however, I had to learn some things. Even when you get what you’re longing for, there’s always more work to be done. Sometimes, a whole new, very tiring work! Lol. Oh, what the Lord has done for me is beautiful, no doubt, but He doesn’t make it easy. 🙂 I’m learning it isn’t meant to be, lest I forget gratitude for all He brings us through and equips us for. Praying for the right house at the right time for you. And always hold onto the fact where the Lord is, there is home. Blessings to you!

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    1. Hey! What a BEAUTIFUL response, thank you! In my mind I know that God will provide. My mom repeatedly tells me that no matter where I am God is there. I am so thankful for stories like yours, they encourage me to keep going. You make a great point about God not making it easy, so as to not forget gratitude. It’s been a rough day for me for sure and at one point I asked God to help me use this to bringing me closer to Him. I can have a terribly narrow focus sometimes. Thank you again for your time and response! Love, hugs and blessings, Mandy

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  4. Dear Blue Collar Theologian,

    This touched me personally. I’ve always felt homeless, but I have never been without a physical structure to live in. God has always reminded me that my true home is in Him. Recently, I moved. But I will mention that I have had a curious and restless spirit in life and I’ve moved many times in my life starting when my parents divorced and forgot we existed in the hundreds of miles away from them. My recent move has given me a greater peace. I’m almost 65, and I am at a retirement community. It’s lovely here because I live in a community where people say “Good Morning” if they see you about, make healing soups or bake cookies to share and check on one another if they haven’t seen you strolling about the courtyard for a few days. It’s a nice place.
    You did not get the home because someone outbidded you. You did not get the home because it is not for you.
    Get your courage and contact the people who bought your home- tell them you are interested in buying it back. It may be a relief to them. You never know… they may be wanting to go back to where they came from or explore more options for them… and if you and Nathan purchase it together then it’s belongs to you both. Try it. Don’t beat around the bush. Tell them you seriously want to buy it back if they are interested. Otherwise they may be too embarrassed to say they would live to sell it.
    Thank you for the excellent posting and the prayer was everything.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi! Thank you SO much for your time and response! I am SO glad that you are in a nice retirement home! I am a Physical Therapist Assistant by trade and I spent most my career working in retirement communities. A BIG reason why I entered Seminary was because of the love, support and encouragement I received from older saints. You’re right about that home not being for me. I am not a patient person; however, I know that God will lead us where He wants us. I am SO thankful for your response! Love, prayers and blessings, Mandy

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      1. You’re welcome! Wow thanks for asking for prayers, pray for my teaching and preaching for this weekend retreat and finishing up for Sunday sermon in time. I stayed up till 5 AM finishing the sessions for our retreat and will be heading out right now to the retreat. I hope I have the energy and yet spend time with members and my family

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  5. I’ve been there, too, Mandy. A few years ago we sold the house where I had spent literally half my life (over 30 years.) Our children had grown up there, and we’d had wonderful neighbors that were like family.
    Just the other day I was hit with a sudden homesickness for that house, thinking about the sunrises over Lake Huron, and having devotions by the water in the beautiful yard with all the flower beds … I had to remind myself of the work it was to keep a house that size clean and in order (something I’m not very good at!), the constant weeding of flower beds, and that one of the reasons we downsized was because I want to spend the rest of my life serving God and people, not a house!
    ” … my desire and longing for home, will only be satisfied in Christ.” SO true! The homesick feeling was fleeting, but He satisfies forever.

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    1. Hi, Ann!!!!!!!! Thank you SO much for sharing this! I appreciate knowing that I am not alone! I can appreciate downsizing and wanting to serve God and people, not a house. My mom said the same thing! Also, I really enjoyed your Sermon on the Mount post. I do not think that my comments have been sticking on your comment section. I am not smart enough to figure out how to get it to work! Anyway, I want you to know that read your posts, I love your writing and I am very much praying for you! Love, hugs and blessings, Mandy

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow, I’m glad you told me that! No, I haven’t seen your comments. I’m pretty “technologically challenged” myself, so I have no idea what’s going wrong, but I do like to hear from people that they read my stuff regularly even though I don’t hear from them much.
        Is the problem that there’s no “comment” button, or that clicking on it doesn’t do anything? I’ve had both problems with other people’s blogs, too. :/ Maybe ask WordPress?

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      2. I need to ask WordPress! I comment, it says comment sent and then it doesn’t post when I check to see if it is there later. Yours isn’t the only blog that I have been trouble posting comments! I can read everyone else’s and I click on the ones I like, especially since mind for whatever reason don’t post. Thank you for your response!!! Blessings, Mandy

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  6. “Peace is not a physical location, it is not a life free from conflict and struggle, peace is a Person and His Name is Jesus.” <- I love this. We need to lean into Jesus always and let Him be our peace. Often we want to take things into our own hands, without bothering to ask God what He has for us. But we need to rest in the Lord. I think this can apply to so many things. Loneliness, heartbreak, etc. Thank you for sharing.
    ❤ Abi Lyn

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